Although I never intended for my column to become a ‘Dear Abby’ feature, I do get a fair amount of letters and emails from time to time, requesting my advice on a particular subject. Such was the case this past week:
“Dear Jerry,
I have often admired the relationship you seem to have with your wife. I have been married for 15 years and have absolutely run out of good ideas for birthday presents for mine. I was hoping that you could give me some suggestions for a gift that will genuinely show my wife the true extent of my love for her and how vital she is to my farming operation. Thanks for your help.
Sincerely,
“Wavering in Wisconsin”
Dear Wavering,
It is extremely difficult to find the perfect gift for your significant other. Having been married for 31 years, I have had to come up with 93 gifts to commemorate birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmases (we vowed long ago to skip gifts for the ‘made-up’ commercialism of Valentine’s Day).
Not knowing either you or your wife, I am in the dark on what kind of gift would convey your sentiments, but I am happy to offer some of my better picks for you to mull over in order to find that perfect gift.
Through the years I have treated my wife to:
1. An all-expense paid, three-day trip to Artificial Insemination School. This one sort of backfired on me, though, because I had to use the next three gift-events to buy her a new squeeze-chute, a semen tank, and a pair of insulated coveralls for inseminating on those super-cold days.
2. A hot-tub spa, that my youngest son and I constructed out of an old livestock watering tank by using that gooey, black-tar for patching the holes and an old, electric, trolling motor to provide the whirlpool effect. However, I guess we forgot to insulate the wiring good enough on the motor, so it also provided a therapeutic ‘electric stimulation.’
3. A set of genuine Black Hills Gold jewelry, that I won in a raffle at the National Junior Heifer Show. It was the first and only time I ever gave jewelry to Judy, because I had to spend the next two weeks convincing her that I hadn’t been a bad boy on the trip.
4. Countless fancy dinners, such as the annual Farm Bureau meeting, the annual Cattlemen’s Convention, and the annual Implement Dealer’s customer appreciation dinner.
While most all of these gifts were well-received and appreciated by my wife, I will leave you with one, last, sure-fire wife pleaser. They are getting more scarce and harder to find with each passing year and, as a result, very expensive, but I’ve found that you can never go wrong by buying her… more cows.
Please convey, to your wife, my best wishes for a Happy Birthday!
