Adult children and aging parents

BLUE SPRINGS, Mo.–Members of the baby boomer generation are starting to retire, but that doesn’t mean they are entering a carefree phase of life. Their kids may be all grown up, but boomers who still have a living parent are facing new responsibilities, notes a University of Missouri Extension human development specialist.

“Even if the older parent still lives independently, there are probably a variety of caregiving tasks their children may need to provide, such as transportation to appointments, help with grocery shopping and home maintenance, and supervising medical, legal and financial dealings,” says Diana Milne.

Even in families with two or more adult children, it’s often only one person who handles most of the caregiving. While this may seem unfair, it may be more efficient than dividing caregiving duties, Milne said. “Each family is unique, so it’s important to have open, honest discussions among the adult children and with the aging parent—before a health crisis with the aging parent arises.”

Some things to consider when discussing caregiving responsibilities:

-How far away does each adult child live from the aging parent?

-What are work schedules and home responsibilities of each adult child?

-Who gets along/communicates best with the aging parent?

-What skills or abilities does each adult child bring to the situation?

The adult child who lives closest to the parent may provide personal care, transportation and medication supervision while the adult child who lives farther away may spend hours on the phone or computer doing paperwork related to insurance, finances or home-health services.

If you are the adult child providing most of the direct caregiving, consider these tips:

-Don’t assume that you have to do everything all the time. Ask for help when you need it. Plan ahead and talk with your siblings in advance. Go over options as a family.

-Ask yourself what you really want from your siblings. Help? Appreciation? Or do you want to be totally in charge with no interference from other family members?

-Don’t assume that others can read your mind. Learn to communicate with family members before you get overwhelmed or angry.

-Don’t confuse good care with happiness. Making sure that elderly parents have good care does not always ensure that they are going to be happy or enjoy life the way they once did.

If your sibling is the primary caregiver, here are some tips for you:

-Don’t think of yourself as off the hook just because you live far away or cannot provide the direct care. Ask what you can do to help.

-Lend a hand by phone or Internet. You can arrange for and help provide many services for your aging parent simply by making phone calls or sending email.

-Offer financial support if possible. Medicare and other insurance may not pay for all the services the elderly parent needs.

-Provide emotional support. Let the sibling who is providing the direct care know how much you appreciate his or her efforts. Be a good listener.

-Offer your opinions carefully. Your observations can be valuable, but you should word them carefully so they don’t imply criticism.

For more information from MU Extension on a variety of family-related topics, see www.missourifamilies.org.