During my career as an editorial writer I had occasion to whomp up a piece about the nation’s most influential women.
This is how that story goes:
When I compiled the information on the nation's most influential of women, it so happened that Ann Landers was at the top of the list.
Well, naturally, being a very honest writer, I wrote a somewhat flattering editorial.
It read: “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the most influential woman of them all?
“It comes as no surprise. Ann Landers is the most influential woman in the United States, according to the World Almanac.
“The sassie, sometimes acid-penned columnist is probably the best read columnist, according to the World Almanac. Her columns on all aspects of life have virtually established an Ann Landers cult, and the most amazing is that she appeals not just to one age group, but to all ages.
“And we suggest if the truth was known, she also so has a large following of male readers."
Her sister, Abigail Van Buren, also a syndicated columnist, made the top 25 but did not have the drawing appeal of sister Ann.
After I finished the editorial I capped it off with what I thought was a nice little ending: “Dear Q.A. (that's Queen Ann, for those not privy): We’ve seen the rest, you’re the best.”
A few days later much to my surprise, comes a letter from guess who. That’s right, none other than Ann Landers herself. It was addressed to my boss, Dale Freeman, the executive editor of Springfield Newspapers, Inc., and it said, “Dear Dale Freeman: That was a lovely editorial on Queen Ann dated Nov. 24, 1978. Needless to say I was delighted.
“I hope you will pass this letter along to the person who wrote it, if you are not the one. It’s wonderful to get such warm support from an editor and I am enormously grateful.
“Sincerely, Ann Landers.
“P.S. Would you please send a few tear sheets of that page? I would like to have them for my files.”
Well, I was flattered to no end and then I thought I should write Ann Landers a letter to personal-like thank her for her letter. Here is what I wrote:
“Dear Ann Landers: If the editorial on Queen Ann had been a stinker, I would have been the first to disown it.
“But, since you liked it and there are no lawsuits attached, then I can come forth, chest puffed out in proper male fashion.
“Had I known such an editorial would have brought a real, live Ann Landers autograph, heavens, I would have written one a long time ago. You see, I am a closet Ann Landers fan, in spite of my definite chauvinist tendencies. Now, however, flaunting your letter I can do no less than come forth, proclaiming to one and all that you are, indeed, the greatest.
“I have often wondered, however, whose photograph it is we run with our column. Surely one so bright could not be so beautiful?
“I have two little granddaughters and two grandsons. I just could not expect any better general education for them as they grow up and prepare to enter the mainstream of life, with all its mysteries and enlightenments, all its pain and joy, that they partake of your wisdom.
Bless you.”
Well, dear reader, I guess I laid it on thick. But a guy has got to be honest, ain’t he?
Anyhow, a few days later I got another letter from Ann Landers. It said, “Dear Frank. When I got your letter, I almost hopped a plane to Springfield. A cooler head prevailed, however, and I decide to write instead.
“Yes, that is my photograph you use with my columns. I am sending you one of latest and it looks like me – or I look like it.
“I, too, have two little granddaughters and a grandson. We are soul mates for sure.
“Sincerely, Ann Landers.”
Well, on the bottom of the stack of mail was a heavy manilla folder and inside it was – guess what – Her Picture! She had been kind enough to write on it, “For Frank Farmer, my best friend in Springfield. L and K.
“P.S. This one goes direct to the composing room, Bub!”
Well, dear reader, that was one of the nicest things that ever happened to me. I hung that picture right on the den wall with the pictures of my wife and two children and my three grand children, and J. Edgar Hoover the crime fighter, and Tom Eagleton the senator and Gene Taylor the congressman, and my son, Andy and his good Suffolk ram that would have been a grand champion if the coyotes had not killed him, and a set of real cowboy spurs from Clarendon, Texas, and a branding iron from the J.A. Ranch.
I’m still proud of that picture.
But I did have a real problem then. I had to do some heavy thinking and whittlin' out behind the barn to come up with an answer.
The problem was this:
How the dickins was I ever going to tell my wife that (blush) Ann Landers and I were pen pals?
