As a freshman in high school, I was fortunate to be selected to attend the National FFA Convention in Kansas City, Mo. I had rarely been outside the Ozarks and had certainly never eaten in a fancy restaurant – unless you count the local Dairy Princess Drive-In – which you shouldn’t. So, a gift from one of the local insurance firms in my hometown allowed our FFA Advisor to treat the five other boys and me to the experience of eating at the Golden Ox, one of the Midwest’s finest dining establishments.
All of us were in awe at the elaborate fixtures and paintings as the classy waitress presented each of us with the leather-bound menus. We all agreed that we would order the “club steak” special. As luck would have it, I was the first to order and when the waitress asked me how I would like mine prepared, all I could muster for an answer was, “Fried?”
The teacher laughed and stated that he liked his “rare.” Since that sounded pretty “special,” I said, “Yeah, sure, I’ll have mine rare, too.” The other five must have been as clueless as me because about twenty minutes later that same waitress delivered seven “rare” steaks to our table. A rare steak at your local sizzler is one thing, but a “rare” steak at the world-famous Golden Ox means that a good veterinarian could probably save the animal.
Needless to say, all of us had to send them back to make them “well-done” enough for six poor farm boys to get them down.
Several years later, I was flown to a job interview by a prestigious firm that was trying to hire me away from teaching. They were trying to make a good impression on me, I’m sure, because they put me up in the swankiest hotel I had ever stayed in. It was the first time in my life that I had ever had my luggage delivered up to the room by a bell boy.
After he placed my luggage in the closet, he awkwardly stood at the door and asked if there was anything else he could do for me. I said no thanks, but he continued to stand at the door to the point where I was feeling a little uncomfortable. “Is there anything I can do for you?” I asked, not knowing how else to get rid of him.
“I was kinda’ waiting around for a tip,” he replied. Befuddled, I answered, “Buy low and sell high.” He quickly left.
Last week, and old friend made me feel a little better about these two gaffs early in my life.
Charley is getting on in years after having farmed all his life. As a reward for staying with him all these years, Charley took his wife on a recent trip to a big city. They stayed at one of those ritzy hotels in the heart of the city where the accommodations are extravagant, but the surrounding neighborhood is questionable. I’m only assuming that some seed company or one of the many farm organizations Charley belongs to paid for the trip because I just can’t imagine Charley shelling out what it must have cost—but, I’m only surmising.
Anyway, Mr. and Mrs. Charley had gone out for the evening and upon their return to the lavish room, Charley began to suspect an intruder. The bed was turned back and something was laying on the pillows. He was certain the bed was made when they left. What if the intruder was still there?
Charley has one good eye and one glass eye as the result of a mishap long ago.
Therefore, as he scanned the room, it was more difficult for him than it would be for those of us with two good eyes.
Quietly, trying not to alarm his wife, Charley opened the door to the large walk-in closet. His head rotated ominously as he looked for other things out of order. Nothing.
Next, he slowly walked into the bathroom. Out of the corner of his good eye, Charley spotted a shadowy figure moving. Charley ordered the stranger to, “FREEZE!” as he shouted all sorts of threatening and intimidating orders. He even promised the guy he would, “shoot to kill if I have to.”
Terrified, his wife ran to his aid by turning on the light, only to find Charley threatening and cursing himself… in the full-length mirror of the bathroom.
Jerry Crownover is a farmer and a former professor of Agriculture Education at Missouri State University. He is a native of Baxter County, Arkansas, and an author and professional speaker. To contact Jerry about his books or to arrange speaking engagements, you may contact him by calling 1-866-532-1960 or visiting www.ozarksfn.com and clicking on 'Contact Us'.
